There is an old marketing adage, “The big print giveth, and the small print taketh away.” You can discern how old this adage is by the use of “th” at the end of the verbs. It is thought that it originated with the great philosopher and theologian William of Ockham (c. 1288 – 1347) remembered to this day for Ockham’s razor (available from Gillette). Some ascribe the saying’s origin to the great teacher, empiricist, and Franciscan fryer, Rasher Bacon (c. 1214-1294). Back then, people had time to useth six letter verbs. Today many of us have time only for short sentences, with shorter verbs, such as, “Go, dog. Go!” or the more abbreviated “ROFL[1]”.

The inventions of the computer and the internet have takenth this adage to new extremes. The abbreviations TOS, for terms of service, EULA, for end user license agreement, and license for license, have wormed their way into our consciousness, (well, at least my consciousness). These are today’s versions of the “small print”. They are inventions of conniving, scum-sucking, corporate attorneys, working hard to screw a company’s customers. They take away our rights, give everything to the company and punish us if we complain because we have “agreed” to their license, TOS or EULA by visiting a website or installing software.

It is time to take back our rights, and the RHFtech crackerjack, conniving, scum-sucking, corporate legal department has figured out how we consumers can do this. It is time for the MULA[tm] [2], the money user license agreement.

Today, April 1, I declare to the world that if anyone accepts my money, whether as cash, check or credit card payment (stamps and debit card payments are not allowed), they are accepting my MULA[tm] as well—take my money then you take my MULA[tm]. The terms of my MULA[tm] are simple:

Whatever I believe now or at any time, past or future, regarding the products or services I buy or license is correct, no other interpretations are allowed. Anyone, whether a natural or fictitious person or entity, taking money from me, must accept this MULA. They must abide by these terms. Any other terms, license(s), TOS and EULAs are hereby superseded, void and replaced by this MULA. There is no redress; all terms of the MULA are final. Acceptance of the money means acceptance of the MULA.

This MULA[tm] has been reviewed and approved by the RHFtech crackerjack, conniving, scum-sucking, corporate legal department. If you are interested in a MULA[tm] of your own, please contact the RHFtech legal department at scumsuckers @rhftech.com.

Quod erat demonstratum (QED) or ce qu'il fallait démontrer (CQFD) – According to Euclid, had he spoken Latin or French, respectively. It is believed that it was Greek to him.

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[1] To those of you untutored in modern communication, ROFL stands for “rolling on floor laughing”, which we hope you are doing by the time you finish this.

[2] To forestall lengthy, peevish, fractious and bloody debate within linguistic circles on the proper pronunciation of MULA, this pronunciation guide is herein presented:

MULA is pronounced “moolah”, not "M U L A" nor “mullah”. The latter is a religious term for Muslim clerics.